Quiet

I am sitting outside in a small private backyard. Until this moment I had forgotten what nature sounds like. The birds and the wind are louder than the traffic. The light is not the East Coast ambiance that I am use to and instead the sun here is filtered by the trees. There is a grey and white cat that rubs her face against my legs and I feel like I should be at my typewriter writing inspirational ideas to my lover who is far far away. Its a completely different world where time doesn't exist and where you could be doing nothing and still be doing something.

I am currently in a different mode. I now prefer solitude and I don't want anyone to know anything about me. I don't want relationships or friendships on a deeper level. I just want to be alone.

Film reccommendation:
http://www.fashvids.com/2007/05/documentary-sign-chanel-by-loc-prigent.html

I didn't know quality/devotion like this existed in real life.

Creative Outlets

The last time I picked up a camera was to document some things for my boss because our scanner wasn't working. The last time I picked up a real camera for something that matters to me...I really can't remember. It's been a while since I last sat down in a chair with nothing to do but think. And it's been even longer since I have taken a piece of paper and a pencil and written ideas down. Additionally, I have lost all of my older notes and so I am blank. From here I can go in two directions. I can start over or I can continue down the path that I seem to be going and turn into a robotic office worker. Don't we all need creative outlets...even the robotic office workers? How do people stay sane when all they do is go to work, then go out for drinks, then watch tv, then go to bed and on weekends play basketball or run around a track? I love the outdoors and I love doing all these said things, but at some point I go completely crazy and start biting my nails and overeating and thinking about where I can run away to next and I get frustrated.

180

A questionable thing has happened. Actually, its not questionable; what has happened is a perfect reflection of the indecisive nature of my life and so I guess a better word would be funny. I guess the description does not really matter. What matters is the story:

This week I had posted about being stuck and frustrated with how things have turned out. And today I am feeling the opposite. There are several factors that have inspired this 180:

1. I finally went on the roof of my office building. I spent part of last night and early this morning looking out at Central Park and the sky is so big (which i often forget when I am standing in the street with buildings blocking my view). I can see all the trees of Central Park and everything is so massive and I am so small and being confronted with this ratio has reminded me that there is so much out there for me.

2. Boyfriend #4 which happened very suddenly but also very genuinely.

I met this boy and now he is my boyfriend and things feel really right even though I can't explain why or how and really the whole thing is completely illogical. The logical side of me is really fighting (and losing) against my natural feelings and emotions. I was really afraid but I think things will be okay because I am happy and excited and I trust my intuition.

3. Learning to let go of logic. I am naturally a romantic and I have tried to abandon this part of me and replace it with an ultra logical person. But being illogical keeps life interesting. And I think growing up is actually learning to balance logic with dreams and knowing when each is appropriate.

I was really terrified to start anything with Boyfriend #4 and the first day we were going to see each other I kept questioning whether I should really meet him. At one point I was standing in front of the place we were suppose to meet and I just left.

The logical side of me said:
Jennifer, you have been through this so many times already. Things are decent as they are. Leave things as they are.

In any sort of relationship or friendship, the minute you open up to someone you risk leaving a void.

The rest of me said:
Jennifer, have fun. Think about now and not yesterday or tomorrow. And trust yourself.

So a few blocks later i called him and we met up and today I am happy.

Life is too flat for love to exist

Its been so long since I last posted. I have been busy with my job and had a project that was taking over every second of every day. Also, I met a boy that I am very curious about. And in my free time have been trying to figure out what I want from life.

When I see couples I tend to wonder (even though its none of my business) if they are in love and if they will stay together. And then I wonder, if they are in love, why do they love each other and what makes them so unique...why does that guy love that girl and not me and why does that girl love that guy and not the one that just crossed the street? Its a silly thing to think. When I was younger, I never thought like this. When I was younger I knew that love is love and it can't be explained and he loves her because they were meant to be...because everything aligned and they loved each other cause they had to...because without each other they would be incomplete. When I was younger I knew that I would find someone to love, who would love me back...who would do anything for me...and who would love me in a way that is rare and true. When I was younger I believed in Morgenstern's true love and high adventure.

When I was younger, I knew that when I grew up I would be traveling the world and I would never sit still. I knew myself well enough to know that I wouldn't settle for one city and I would never stop exploring.

Here I am...kind of grown up, sitting in this one place with no love of my life....with no love anywhere in sight. The two things that I have always wanted and always knew I could get, I don't have and have no idea how to start searching for and my dreams are kind of fading away.

I am completely over this growing up thing. The transition from daydreaming teenager to bill paying adult is kind of hard to come to terms with and I kind of can't wait until my bill paying adult self completely erases the daydreaming teenager so I will no longer have those impossible dreams hanging over my head. Have I really become this cynical?

I am logical and a realist but a dreamer. I am having these great conflicts with myself and I have so much to be grateful for and yet I am very impatient for the next [great] moment.