180

A questionable thing has happened. Actually, its not questionable; what has happened is a perfect reflection of the indecisive nature of my life and so I guess a better word would be funny. I guess the description does not really matter. What matters is the story:

This week I had posted about being stuck and frustrated with how things have turned out. And today I am feeling the opposite. There are several factors that have inspired this 180:

1. I finally went on the roof of my office building. I spent part of last night and early this morning looking out at Central Park and the sky is so big (which i often forget when I am standing in the street with buildings blocking my view). I can see all the trees of Central Park and everything is so massive and I am so small and being confronted with this ratio has reminded me that there is so much out there for me.

2. Boyfriend #4 which happened very suddenly but also very genuinely.

I met this boy and now he is my boyfriend and things feel really right even though I can't explain why or how and really the whole thing is completely illogical. The logical side of me is really fighting (and losing) against my natural feelings and emotions. I was really afraid but I think things will be okay because I am happy and excited and I trust my intuition.

3. Learning to let go of logic. I am naturally a romantic and I have tried to abandon this part of me and replace it with an ultra logical person. But being illogical keeps life interesting. And I think growing up is actually learning to balance logic with dreams and knowing when each is appropriate.

I was really terrified to start anything with Boyfriend #4 and the first day we were going to see each other I kept questioning whether I should really meet him. At one point I was standing in front of the place we were suppose to meet and I just left.

The logical side of me said:
Jennifer, you have been through this so many times already. Things are decent as they are. Leave things as they are.

In any sort of relationship or friendship, the minute you open up to someone you risk leaving a void.

The rest of me said:
Jennifer, have fun. Think about now and not yesterday or tomorrow. And trust yourself.

So a few blocks later i called him and we met up and today I am happy.